Miss Mild Manners Apologises to KH of Hollywood

Miss Mild Manners Apologises to KH of Hollywood

1.5.09

Dear, dear, dear. The next time Miss Mild Manners takes a lengthy European rail vacation, she will make sure her errant younger sister, Miss Wild Manners, has no way of rifling through her affairs and finding her account logins.

While happily travelling abroad, Miss Mild Manners happened upon a newspaper article claiming that Tom Cruise is rather upset with his wife, Katie Holmes {dear sweet thing}, for taking up smoking again. Truthfully, Miss Mild Manners was shocked to the very core to imagine that winsome, charming young lady risking her good looks and health by succumbing to that most scurrilous of habits. Not that Miss Mild Manners did not once flirt with the devil's weed in a brief experimental phase during her adolescent years, but near discovery in the Young Ladies' Rooms at the local Lacrosse courts during one's youth had visions of Miss Mild Manners' carefully groomed reputation and perpetual position as Teacher's Pet flashing before her terrified eyes and indeed, was the epiphany that caused Miss Mild Manners to turn resolutely onto the path of all that is well-behaved and becoming in a lady.

But we digress.

Upon her recent arrival home and tending to affairs, Miss Mild Manners was mortified to discover that certain correspondence intended for herself had been intercepted in her absence and responded to by naughty Miss Wild Manners. Read on and you will begin to understand the horrifying nature of this transgression. Miss Mild Manners sends her abject apologies to the recipient of this ill-conceived advice {while secretly hoping it works}.

Dear Miss Mild Manners

Please help me. My husband seemed like the catch of the century when I first met him but more and more each day, I'm feeling like he's on the last train to Kooksville and I don't want to meet him at the station. I'm tired of being told what to do. My friend from Cali suggested I contact you. Would you have any advice as to how I can get my life back?

Yours in hope and desperation ~ KH

Dear KH

This is your lucky day! Boring old Mild Manners is dressed in her best gloves and stockings on some moth-eaten Magical Mystery Tour overseas but you really need my help, not her prissy preachings, so it's all good.

The best way out from under Tom's Thumb is to make him want to leave you. This disfunctional way of dealing with relationships has provided many an unhappy spouse with the perfect way to bail out while retaining a huge chunk of community property; all this with the blessings of the spouse who mistakenly thinks he or she has instigated the break up, thanks to overwhelming guilt for being the breaker-upper instead of the breaker-uppee.

The answer to your question is simple.

Start pretending to smoke. He'll think it's a filthy, disgusting habit. You will become tainted and impure in his eyes and no amount of Scientology Sparkles will remove his nicotine-stained judgment of you. Whatever you do, don't really smoke. You don't want to replace one unhealthy addiction with another. Just light up any time you expect him to enter the room, then act as guilty as hell and watch his attraction to you decrease in direct proportion to your perceived cigarette-fumed transgressions. Do not under any circumstances give in. If you should start to weaken, if you should start to falter in your resolve, remember the immortal words of Winston Churchill:

We shall fight on the Longbeaches...

We shall fight in the Chesterfields and in the Bond Streets;

We shall fight in the Dunhills;

We shall never surrender ...

Go get 'em, Tiger!
Miss Wild Manners

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Dear Miss Mild Manners, writes Mr Q Tarantino of Hollywood

Dear Miss Mild Manners, writes Mr Q Tarantino of Hollywood

5.4.09

Deer Miss Mild Manners

Have ewe ever bean in a position where you wrote a script at brake-neck speed so the film could be finished in time for the Carn Film Festival and your spell-check didn't work and you assyoumed Some-Godamm-Won out of all the assistance, editors ~ frick, any old basterd ~ wood pick up the misstake befour it made it rite threw to publicity with the wrong spelling and now I'm stuck with looking like I'm illegitimate? Inglourious Basterds. That's the movie title, not me calling them names. But really, what do I pay all these peeps to do all day? Playing with fake blood spatters and pretending their druggie Ninjas or something? Isn't that what I pay actors four? I guess it could have bean worse. I could have scrawled In Glourious Basturds on the cover of the script instead. Any thoughts as to how I can fix this frickin' mess?

Yours
QT


Dear QT

I apologise for being blunt, but frankly, no. The horse has already bolted. The incorrectly spelled writing is on the wall {and very nearly in neon lights}. I would say you're up a creek without a paddle. There's no point crying over spilt milk. And please take this in the spirit with which it is intended, but a bad workman always blames his tools.

One could argue that desperate times call for desperate measures. And perhaps it isn't over until the fat lady sings. {And before those of physical largesse inundate me, this expression merely pays tribute to the excellence of buxom, barrel-lunged opera singers. It is flattery in its highest form.} But in this case, I suggest it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. The current interpretation of your atrocity on the language is that it was a deliberately contrived artifice, some secret for you and you alone to know; dare I say, the uncouth equivalent of a Mona Lisa smile.

Next time, I would caution you to remember, more haste, less speed. Much less speed. And I have a larger bone to pick with you. Unless your movie truly is about illegitimate men, one could argue that including a cuss word in your title, albeit a misspelled one, is far more grave a transgression than incorrect spelling.

But to err is human; to forgive, divine.


Yours with such forgiveness, and wishing you the very best of success ~

MISS MILD MANNERS

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Please Help Me, Miss Mild Manners, Writes Mr C Bale of Hollywood

Please Help Me, Miss Mild Manners, Writes Mr C Bale of Hollywood

7.2.09

Dear Miss Mild Manners

Ok, I give up. I wave the effing white flag. I thought I was improving my vocabulary by studying Gordon Ramsay's TV shows. I don't understand what happened. After all, he's a cool, popular guy and English. Like that Queen broad.

How was I to know the eff word wasn't a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and pronoun? Not that I understand all those things, I just remember hearing about them in grade school.

In my busy life, being the effing talented actor that I am, it seemed the ideal multifunctional word to save me time. When I wanted to give some friendly feedback to some misguided moron on set, I thought my effing eloquence would impress my fans and fellow lesbians alike.

Please help me. When the eff I can use the eff word without ending up being laughed at all over the internet and how come Gordon effing Ramsay doesn't get everything he says turned into weirdo effing YouTube remixes that make him look like some psycho fruitcake.

Effing yours {is that OK?}

MR C BALE



Dear Mr Bale

I believe the word you seek in your penultimate paragraph is 'thespians'. {I recommend a reputable dictionary and thesaurus as a starting point for the expansion of your vocabulary.}

No, it is not appropriate to sign off correspondence using the F word. A simple 'Yours sincerely' is always polite and warm.

Miss Mild Manners is not a personal fan of Mr Ramsay's colourful language but please bear in mind he is Scottish, not English as you conject, therefore one has to consider the use of the F word within the context of the language of the Scots. Since there is much speculation as to the origins of Scots and variants of the dialect, including germanic influences, there is a certain leniency that can be lent to use of the F word by those of Scottish heritage.

In short: he can do it and you can't.

Quite simply, Miss Mild Manners suggests there is only one occasion whereupon it might be acceptable and forgiveable for you to use the F word. If you ever accidentally chop off your own hand, go right ahead. If you chop off someone else's, do not under any circumstances offend them further by using the F word. Apologise immediately and dial 911 for them, since they are now incapable of doing it themselves. {A fruit basket and a typed note would also be a thoughtful touch. This is one of those rare occasions on which a handwritten note would be most insensitive.}

The English language is resplendent with inoffensive alternatives for the F word. For instance, Miss Mild Manners suggests substituting a gentle 'fluff' or 'fluffy' should the need arise again. For example, notice how comparatively inoffensive the beginning of your monologue sounds thus:

"I want you off the fluffy set, you fluff. No don’t just be sorry. Think for one fluffy second. What the fluff are you doing? Are you professional or not? ["Yes, um, I am..."] Do I fluffy walk around and rip down – No, shut the fluff up, Bruce – do I walk – No! No! Don’t shut me up. Am I going to walk around & rip your fluffy lights down in the middle of a scene? Then why the fluff are you walkin’ right through, "Oh da da, da da" like this in the background? What the fluff is it with you? What don’t you fluffy understand? You got any fluffy idea about Hey it’s fluffy distracting, having someone walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the fluffy scene? Give me a fluffy answer. What don’t you get about it?..."

I wish you the very best of British {not Scots} for your endeavours to safely expand your vocabulary in the future, Mr C Bale.

Yours sincerely

MISS MILD MANNERS

Note: Of course, this is all highly fictitious and bears no relationship whatsoever to any real person or persons, living or pretending to do so, and any resemblance is entirely coincidental. Did I disclaim that enough? Seriously ...

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